Ok, so I’m going to start off with the pap. I happened to watch a little television tonight, having gotten home late and needing something to distract me from a monster headache and a pile of unfulfilled dreams. I was canceling a gym membership and picking up (yeah picking up myself, not having it brought to me which is what ya pay for) a package from the fedex compound in Brooklyn, if you wanted to know.

So anyway, I was watching this new reality gameshow competition thing called “The Sing-Off,” which if you haven’t seen the ads is like “Star Search” but with group contestants only. Or as I’m sure the show’s creators pitched it, it’s like “Glee” meets “American Idol” by way of “So You Think You Can Dance.” Sheesh I’m done with the fucking quotation marks. Italics from now on. If you don’t know any of those references, it’s an a capella group competition with three judges (dude, Ben Folds is one, and he’s like a kindly yet serious high school music instructor).



I’m pretty much hooked even though I despise every single one of the other shows this thing takes it’s cue/influence from. Mostly because the groups competing are actually kind of bad. Plus they eliminated the only group with a compelling non-musical back story tonight (called Solo, from a poverty stricken neighborhood somewhere). Making it to the next round were at least two incredibly white lady groups who sang without much soul or character or emotion or whatever.

My favorite moment, other than the super short solo of the tall dude from Solo who had this buttery Lou Rawls meets Marvin Gaye with like a tiny smidge of Johnny Mathis voice that will definitely make him rich and laid, was when the elimination bit got down to its final two groups (Solo and Gaggle Of White Housewives [sic]). There was a moment when both groups were huddled together clasping hands tightly, waiting in painful anticipation. There was some serious shit riding on it, and both groups had reason to believe they were going home. I personally expected them to eliminate the WASPs.... So anyway, both groups had a member who was visibly praying to god. It was almost like a mini competition to see who could get god to pick them with the most devout pleas. I sound callous... Yep. White ladies church group no 1 won. Bleh. They sucked.

Other topics? Well... it’s Xmas time and I’ve got to decide who to blow money on. I’m in a little bit of a fight with part of my family, so I’m thinking of sending them all something really thoughtful to pour on the guilt. Haven’t gotten much in the way of family contact from them since we all “reconciled” 2 years ago that I haven’t initiated. They pissed me off recently so I haven’t initiated any contact with them and suddenly they’re all “you’re so quiet, is something wrong?” Well, if you get a christmas present, then yes, I hate you. Just not sure what to get them. I’m becoming a real fan of small stuff. There’s an incredible variety of tiny things to get people... It lends itself well to finding something “personal,” like a flask for a certain alcoholic asshole.

On the coworkers front: more and more surreal. I’m starting to get shit from the idiots new boss for not tattling on them when they don’t do their work. As I wrote that, I just realized that she probably had a few talks with them, and they probably blamed their lack of involvement in their own projects on me. Like I’m an ogre and I chase them away from their own shit. Sighs. It would be nice to work on something that isn’t absolutely embarrassingly awful. For once. Please universe.

Tags: sing-off, coworkers, holidays, gifts, archive

Ok, first and foremost. Comments. If you are reading this blog, let me know you exist by chiming in or saying howdy. In the future I’ll try to create some discussion worthy posts, with questions and such. Or don’t comment. But it could be fun. You can do it completely anonymously. No need to enter any private info, just put a nickname and you can post! Sweet, i know. Click it NOW!

The juicy bits: I closed my okcupid account. Ok I just disabled it this time (yes, I have been here before). Only this time, instead of it being like I’m fleeing from the crush of psychotic and mediocre girls desperately clamoring to slice my skin off and wear it as a hipster-suit, it’s a more reasoned and deliberate flight. I have some very convincing reasons (to me) for why online dating will never work for me as more than a place to meet friends who I might possibly sleep with. Except I seem to not be interested in that at all. Basically, the process of browsing through potential matches and trying out some and ditching others is too much like shopping online. It sucks out the excitement of real life. Plus I was addicted to the constant, mild ego boost.

Also, I have purchased two badges to the northside festival, and I suggest you check it out if you want your hipster friends to like you. I will like you even if you don’t. Too lazy? It’s like if some hipsters in Brooklyn woke up and realized that all the bands that make other festivals hop actually LIVE HERE. So they all ALL are booked and playing in June in the hipster triangle. I’m just hoping I find someone to share the extra badge with, but I’m sure this time I’ll be able to sell it.

Lastly, check out the Leila (pronounced Lila) texts blog here. It’s mildly funny. The concept is that this girl gets every text on Verizon addressed to “Leila”. Which apparently Verizon lets you text to a name... who knew? I’ve met this girl and she’s hilarious. The hilarity doesn’t quite come across on the screen, but it’s still fun.

Tags: online dating, comments, okcupid, archive

So one of the stories/fables that I heard as a kid which sticks in my brain these days and has always held a certain fascination is the one with the line “the prince has horse ears”... as a recurring refrain? maybe it’s the title? Here’s where wikipedia could ruin the romantically blurred fog of my memories and shine some clarifying light on the question. So I’m gonna not go there.

The story goes that in some kingdom, there’s a prince who’s always got a hat on, or long hair, or both. He is befriended by someone (maybe a barber) who gains his trust and this prince shares a serious secret. His hair or hat or crown is hiding the fact that his ears are horsey. Like he has hairy Spock ears. And this new friend swears to keep the secret. Except that it starts eating at him and eating at him. He’s basically about to burst with this hidden knowledge, but he is very loyal and trustworthy so he fights the urge to spill it, to confide the secret in some third party. But he can’t take it, and has to tell, so he goes out into a field of reeds and whispers “the prince has horse ears”.

And well, it bites him in the ass. Somehow the reeds hold the sentence and i can’t remember how (maybe a flute made of the reeds), but they release their secret in the presence of a gathered audience, revealing it at the worst possible time to the worst possible crowd that this guy is a freak.

I feel like the internet is that field of reeds. There’s no way to keep things a secret in it, but you really want to believe you can. And that’s too bad, because there’s basically no way to spill the beans in a healthy yet confidential way. I suppose that postcard thing, postsecret, and others like it are the closest thing.

I have some doozies I’d like to. Is this part of growing up? Keeping painful secrets forever and from everyone? Because it sucks worse than almost anything.

Tags: secrets, archive

Well this is going to be short... For once. Am I right?! Eh? High five! Zing!

Went to a great show last night. It was part theater/comedy and part actual musicianship. Les Funky Bitches Fantasique at the Sidewalk Cafe. I went because some friendly acquaintances were in the show and the audience. And there were possibly going to be a lot of them. In fact, there were only two. But they’re top of my list of friendly acquaintances (has anyone come up with a word for that? did I in a past blog? I should now... associates? no.) that I like and really enjoy being around. So it was a great time. I encourage you to see the group perform on like a second date. Perfect second date.

And my mom arrives in 4 hours! We’re gonna chillax, have a nice dinner at a steakhouse here in the neighborhood, probably clean my apartment, go for a walk. She’s here to be my date to the big awards show I’m part of tomorrow. In which I may win two awards, but probably not because super super awesome things only happen to me once per year, and they usually wait until the end. Or did I just make that ridiculous shit up? Yes. Yes I did.

Tags: archive

So I’ve got a problem I may have alluded to in earlier posts, although probably not, because it involves family trouble AND pending litigation (this last rather obliquely). Here’s the thing: After a looooong time of being disappointed by people and growing suspicious of their motivations and ultimate goals, and then having those suspicions proven justified every time, I have a hard time trusting people to do good. This goes for everyone equally with a few rare exceptions. I could list a lot of examples that support my current mind frame; a friend who walked out of a lease stiffing me with $1200 debt and bad credit, a sublettor who kept my security deposit to pay for her husbands college entrance exams, countless lies told to get out of plans, girls who stopped loving me but claimed otherwise. The list is huge and extends back to my distant foggy childhood.

But part of my whole deal this year and moving forward has been letting go of shit like that and learning to not judge the people who do those things too super harshly. In fact, the majority of grudges I carry are probably not really things that would bother other people. Or maybe they would and I’m just trying to be positive. Regardless, I’m trying very hard to become an optimist about the inner drives and motivations of people around me. Part of it is reworking my expectations of what’s normal behavior and part of it is knowing when to let shit slide.

Now, I have two sisters who have recently become much larger parts of my life than they ever were. And I have a hard time trusting them. In a lot of ways they are completely alien to me. Their inner workings are mysterious and I tell myself I can’t possibly guess what’s going on inside their heads because I was raised in a different environment with different priorities and influences than they were. They lived with our father for WAY too long to have come out unscathed.

On the other hand, they used to adore me when they were very young (before the messed up jealous behavior started, followed by my eventual withdrawal from that life). They continually surprise me with acts of kindness and generosity and intelligence. Most days I’m very proud of them and super glad to have them be part of my life.

But we have some seriously stressful shit happening right now, and it all revolves around money. Money is something that this side of the family has never developed a healthy way to deal with. And we have some very clearly different ideas on what should be done with a chunk of cash we all have equal stake in (maybe). Except that when it comes down to it, no one EVER has “equal stake” in shared cash. There are always going to be little qualitative differences in your claims to it. Emotional ones, and depending on how far back you want to go historical ones.

For example, my father stopped paying child support when i was young. Should I be able to claim back payment of that now from his estate? I don’t want to, but it is apparently the kind of thing my sisters may consider (but for themselves) to be a fair claim. I have to be vague here, because there’s a lawsuit involved... sorry. But the thing is, throwing money into this mix is making it harder for me to keep my suspicious nature in check. And it hurts. Because I know that my suspicions are almost NEVER unfounded. So I’m super torn here and I don’t know what to do. Oh well... there’s always booze and tv.

Tags: suspicion, money, archive